“Bad kids.”  They yell, spit and swear.  They tell you off.  They do not do what you want, in fact, they often do just the opposite. 

 

Last Christmas, we were on vacation at the beach, and sure enough, Savannah (6) was “bad.”  She was angry, trying to hurt Sacred (4), yelling and screaming, crying and flopping on the floor. 

I’ll tell you how she quickly became a “good” girl, in a matter of minutes, but first let’s look at some bigger concepts. 

NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming, has a governing principle that states, “All people are doing their best, for themselves and others, with the resources they have available to them.”  This is a great concept to remember, perhaps simplified to “everyone wants to fit in to and help the team they are on.” 

NVC, or Non-Violent Communication, states that any upset is a perceived need NOT being met.  Do you wonder about your child’s need when they are upset, or more about your needs? 

Let’s begin with the idea that there are no “bad” or “good” children, rather a child lacking the resources to express his or her needs, which are pretty important to that child. 

So, what did we do to help Savannah meet her needs when she was in a full out tantrum. 

I use kinesiology to tap into a persons neurology, which includes emotions, which includes upsets.  I “asked” Savannahs nervous system, using muscle testing what she was feeling.  It turns out she felt rejected and second best to Sacred because Momma attended to Sacred before she attended to Savannah as we were walking from the beach.  She interpreted that Mom likes Sacred more. 

A great point is that the upset is usually displaced from the upsetting event.  Looking at the circumstances of being in our room, and what it appeared Savannah was upset about, totally would throw us off the track.  We had to back track to the walk, the upsetting event, to get to the tantrum, the upset. 

The solution was then simple.  I said, “do you sometimes feel like mommy likes Sacred better?”  That got her attention.  She heard what she wanted to say.  She also learned a way to say it.  

I then reinforced that mommy loves her immensely, that she is very special, and her needs are very important to us.  Mom joined in to drive that point home. 

The next moment, Sacred was falling off the couch, and our “bad girl” jumped to rescue her sister and caught her, saving the day.  They were a team again!  

I was nearly in tears as I witnessed the transformation.  Even though I assisted the process, I was deeply humbled, touched and grateful.